Rescue Is Here....

connection

2009-04-29T14:40:00.001-07:00

An article I just finished for our church newsletter....

I'm unsure of exactly how to proceed with this article....

Most of the time I can come up with something but when I volunteered to write I wasn't sure if I had anything worthy to say or even partway relevant to what is happening in our community right now. The only way I know how to do this is to shoot from the heart so if it gets a little sappy, you have been warned.

We are all disconnected. Not in a small sense but in a big sense. Every human being on this earth is disconnected. It all started with a man named Adam and a woman named Eve eating a piece of fruit. I have never figured out why they wanted to eat this fruit. They were the only people on earth at the time, they had each other, and they were able to talk directly to God, the Creator of the Universe. Why on earth would you want to go and ruin it? It's simple. Temptation. Sin. Pride.

Man lost his ability to speak on a one-on-one basis with God. This had led to disconnection, the inability for us to be One. For thousands of years, only a chosen few could talk to God and pass on His message to the people. Then Jesus came and changed the rules.

After Jesus died, he sent the Holy Spirit, our new lifeline to God. He gave all people who chose to believe the chance to be reconnected. A second chance.

In post-resurrection world there has been a tendancy to still live as though we were still dead and disconnected. This is untrue. As believers in a Savior who rose again we should be living a life where connection is happening, a life that is productive, and above all alive.

For years, I cried out to God for rescue from my pain, my problems, and my sin. It took until a year ago for me to figure out that the remedy I desired had already come and it was up to me to choose to be healthy and follow that path.

Dear brothers and sisters at E3. Choose to be healthy and live a life worthy of which you have been called by God.

Trace Armstrong
Director of Branding and Communications Element3 Church

25 years and counting....

2009-04-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

so i hit age 25 yesterday. it seems very surreal to think that....

yesterday was the greatest and worst day ever all rolled into one for various reasons. the worst day part stems from a combination of several things that occurred monday and throughout tuesday. the best day parts came from three very strange places....

one, someone who shall not be named made me feel awesome with some text messages, a facebook post that made me laugh, and a phone call that night.

two, my aunt called and she had my four young cousins in the car and they were coming to panama city for the week. they want to see me and hang out this week so i am going to go over there and hang on the beach with them this week.

three, my dad called and said how proud of me he was. how proud of how i've handled my money, my life, and gotten my two college degrees. for the first time he offered options but said to me, you seem to know what you are doing and things are going well for you so you do what you think is best.

for the first time, i cried after i got off the phone from dad because i was so happy....

beware the church going "spiritual orgasm" seekers

2009-03-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

i officially took issue with people like those in my title line. let me explain....

there are people in the church now that are very dangerous to your health as a pastor and a danger to even some people that go to your church. i call them those seeking the spiritual orgasm. the spiritual orgasm i refer to is the moments in worship where you start yelling and screaming and the tears are running down your face and the music just hits you and you raise your hands.

now, let me say first off that there is nothing wrong with this BUT when it becomes part of your weekly routine in worship it can become dangerous. there is a group of people in our church that are very broken in a sense that life has thrown a lot at them. every week they are in the front row of the church dancing, hands raised, yelling, etc. that's great but here's where i start taking some issues. every week this group of people is outside crying, dealing with some conflict, or some issue that faces their "group". every week there is something wrong. all week long they engage in very questionable activity and make horrendous decisions but every sunday there they are crying out to God to make it all better and if they worship harder maybe this week's orgasm will change their life.

it doesn't work this way....

the christian life, the walk, whatever you want to call it, requires hard work. it takes waking up daily and dying to yourself, it takes apologizing to people even when you did nothing wrong if it will improve the health of a relationship, it takes sacrifice, it means doing "something" to change your situation.

"spiritual orgasms" can be good. when they happen every once in a while and you use those moments to springboard to something good and make changes.

if you rely on these moments as part of your weekly routine, then your relationship with God is on quicksand because there will come a day where these moments won't help you anymore. the only thing that can help you is investing in your relationship with Christ on a daily basis and learning to live like He did. until that moment....you're just hooked on a feeling.

the journey is hard...but the rewards are so worth it

2009-03-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

so i've been doing this pastor thing since sept. of this year "officially". i've been stretched, tested, and seen amazing things.

God is alive and working but sometimes not in the ways we expect Him too.

these past few weeks have been very hard. i won't lie.

i've had to deal with a mentally disturbed person casting death threats...and i believed him. the look in his eyes told me he was serious. i had to deal with a good friend of mine having a break down. it was a long, hard night that translated into a long, hard next day.

however, what i've learned has been tremendous. God moves in the midst of it. He also requires steadfastness and faith in the face of adversity. there are times when i get tired and weary but my strength comes from the Lord.

i love my job.....but there has to be down time too.....sabbath...do it!

questions....

2009-03-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

what am i doing here?

who am i doing it for?

am i ever going to find someone to marry...share the life...have kids?

i find myself asking these questions a lot lately. why? i am not sure.

this past week i received death threats because i had to have someone baker acted. he threatened to kill people. he got violent and threatened our admin assistant. that was scary. way scary. i had to call the cops and be the person in charge.

is this what a pastor really does? protect people from themselves when they get violent and threaten to kill people?

i wrestle with this.

i've been scared since friday night. my "friend" left town and i desperately want to tell them what happened. when i am around them i feel safe and that the world makes sense. what does this mean?

there are so many questions right now but few answers. i keep clinging to the song 'scenes'.

"i see you in every scene, i bet you are thinking about me. i have such a short memory but you keep reminding me of you".

Lord, i am trying so hard. yet, you seem so far away. are there answers in this web of confusion?

writing music

2009-02-26T15:34:00.000-08:00

so i've been writing/demoing/recording a record.

things like this are very foreign to me.

i made a record many moons ago. it was ok. not bad for a guy who didn't know what the heck he was doing.

this one? i don't know yet. i'm my own worst critic. thankfully i've surrounded myself with people who tell me the truth. they tell me it is sounding good so far and to keep working at it.

the song "tomorrow" seems to be the anchor of the record thus far. of the two songs played live, it gets a huge response each time.

only time will tell but i'm very excited to get this record done and in your hands.

keep you posted on the progress...

trace out.

the pain...

2009-02-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

so i pinched a nerve in my arm. should be simple right? just take it easy, etc. well found out that is not as easy as it seems.

i had to lead worship this past sunday in excruciating pain. i took a ton of pills and just hoped for the best and you know what....

God showed up. despite the pain i got through it. more than got through it. the people in the community are now worshiping with their hearts and with their voices more than ever before at e3. it's quite humbling to have played a small part in that.

so God, thank you for showing up and being bigger than my mess.....

a quick a.d.d. post

2009-01-23T14:55:00.000-08:00

so in the habit of updating weekly here goes.....

this week was good but busy....

i saw a 3d horror movie (hilarious not scary)
i read the divine conspiracy again
worked at frying chicken
worked at e3 (my passion)
got aggrevated at comcast and their inability to even process a simple business request
watched two washington caps' games
pooped (if you know my medical issues you know this is a big win!)
and prepared to lead worship this sunday....

leading worship is becoming this strange thing for me now. the more i do it the dumber i feel. not because i can't play music or lead people but because the more i journey in my relationship with God the more i realize i know nothing about Him. it's always changing, always morphing. i've had to learn that rather than chase after Him i need to cling to Him and hang on for dear life because if i chase Him i'll never catch up. i just have to jump in and cling and pray that where we are going is where i am supposed to be....

a thought......

2009-01-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

so i've parked myself in the book of haggai recently. there is a lot to learn from this book despite its size. to sum it up and make my point.....

the people of israel are living in jerusalem after the destruction. God wanted them to re-build the temple and they didn't do it. they built these pretty houses for themselves, they didn't make sacrifices, they were basically living by how they felt. well, stuff started going wrong. there was famine and all the other old testement regulars. so God sends haggai to tell the people that they need to stop screwing around and re-build the temple. the people repent. and all is well...almost....

that's the basic summary. seems like a simple little story....well not quite....

the people were hesitant to follow through on what God wanted them to do. they did what they wanted and became lazy and wasteful. they proclaimed with their lips they loved God but their lives said otherwise.

this penetrated my heart because it is the current state of the american church. we talk about being on fire but our lives exist in a bubble. we think we have a choice when it comes to being obedient and in a sense we do but when we don't....things fall apart..life becomes....

chaos

white noise

we think that by believing our lives will be perfect and that's all there is to it. the book of haggai uses this phrase and only this phrase "God will be with you". he didn't say the famine would end. he didn't say things are going to get better...He said..."I am with you."

the truth is God doesn't promise us anything in His covenant other than that. He sent Jesus.

is the american church really willing to let that be enough? no matter what. there are no guarentees on anything else. just Him. are we willing to let Jesus be enough. no promise of marraige. no promise of a job. just Him.

are we really ready?

am i.....

ready?

2008...What I Learned......

2009-01-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

in 2008 i learned......

i can graduate college

sometimes you just can't make it on your own

God has something crazy planned for me

i have to start taking risks, chances, or i'm going to have other regrets

that i can lead worship better than i did a year ago

i may be down but i will rise; it may be dark but God is light

sometimes you have to faith and make decisions that most people think are crazy to honor God which is most important and always works out despite the odds

you can melt jello in the microwave

that i miss my beard

i would eventually like to move to a larger city

fighting for joy is much harder than fighting for happiness

irritable bowel syndrome is nothing to joke about

i love hockey...the washington caps to be precise

the washington redskins my suck this year...but it will come back around...eventually

that i still have a long way to go on this crazy journey called life

here's to 2009 and the curves it will throw.......

tomorrow.....

2008-12-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

not even a week ago i lost my grandmother to cancer. the crazy thing is i'm not sad about it. i'm overjoyed because she is with Jesus. she is no longer suffering, no longer clouded by her alzheimer's that had clouded her mind, and finally running again.

i had been working on a song in her memory for the better part of 3 months. it's been finished for about 3 weeks with one exception...the bridge. no matter what happened or what i wrote nothing made sense...until after her funeral this tuesday. my mom and i were able to talk and she told me the last days of my grandmother's life.

her alzheimer's had gotten to a point where she would get everything confused and didn't know half of what was going on. in a show of God's amazing blessings, my grandmother had a night of clarity. the tuesday before she died she was sitting down to eat dinner with my mom and my aunt (her other daughter) and she said she wanted to pray. my grandmother is a christian and has been for a long time but outward show of prayer has never been her thing and furthermore, since the alzheimer's kicked in it has lessened. my mom and her sister closed their eyes and my grandmother in a rare moment of clarity prayed for each one of her children, grandchildren, and the people whose lives matter to them. that they would be comforted because her time was near and that they shouldn't be sad because she was finally about to free.

that night my grandmother went to bed and never really regained conciousness. her final act as my grandmother, as my sister and cousin's grandmother, as a mother, and as aunt ethyl was to pray for her family. that touched me beyond measure and after hearing that story....i finished the song......

E3's current series wrapped up this past sunday. the series has been called 'dangerous song'. it's been a journey through the Psalms and one that has touched the lives of many people in our community. each week we've had artists within our community write an original song based on a Psalm. wouldn't you know that i picked confession and the week i played my song was the week after my grandmother died.

in honor of my grandmother.....here is the lyrics for "tomorrow" by trace armstrong

Verse 1

standing on the edge
waiting for the axe to fall
i've run out of time
with nothing left to stall
i thought that this would be
the best day ever
instead i wish that we
could go together

Chorus

i can't believe tomorrow
has now become today
i don't know what to do
but i know i've got to change
all my yesterdays have gone and fade away
and all i have is today

Verse 2

this journey's been so long
i need to rest my weary head
i've walked a million miles
my journey's at an end
i don't know what's ahead
on this dark and stormy night
but i am not afraid
for the Lord will be my light

Chorus

Bridge

from the depth of my depravity
i thank You Lord You've set me free

Chorus

transition

2008-11-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

so life is in transition right now.

i'm figuring who God made me and what my place is in this world in the short time i have.

this past week started a spiritual rebirth for me. i found something that helps me sleep and get the rest i need and the world seems clearer than it has in years.

i was able to have a great time friday and get to know someone new and enjoy that process without being nervous.

i was able to go to church today and love what i do again.

transition....painful it has been....rewarding...your dang right

My Top 20 Movies

2008-11-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

so here's the deal...i've been sick the past few days and when you're home sick there isn't much to do but sleep and watch movies. so in my haze i figured i would share my top 20 favorite movies. why 20 you ask? well i'm sick and bored....deal with it...you showed up here in my space (pun..oh yes!) and you can read what i write...ha!

20. The Empire Strikes Back - the sequel far surpasses the original...this movie is not only the best of all 6 Star Wars movies but has the original movie twist of Darth Vader being Luke's father...chilling.

19. Snakes on a Plane - a movie that is so horrible it's awesome! i mean you have samuel l. jackson and snakes on a plane...what isn't to be loved about this movie?

18. spiderman 2 - man...what an incredible movie...you can't not like this movie...tight story..great action..throw in the drama of peter parker and mary jane's relationship and you have a topnotch flick.

17. Boondock Saints - such a great movie....'nuff said

16. Fight Club - 1st rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club

15. Miracle on 34th Street (the original) - still the best Christmas movie ever...and one that is a MUST WATCH every year for me.

14. Garden State - a movie with a great soundtrack and a post-modernistic view of discovering love and where your life is going and how sometimes taking chances is the best thing any of us can do.

13. The Jacket - a sci-fi love story that ends with a bang. having time travel part of it makes it that much better.

12. Apollo 13 - one of the first movies i remember as a 7 year old kid that was a drama and should have bored me to death and didnt.

11. Old School - comedic genius....pure genius...will ferrell in the scene with the petting zoo and tranquilizor darts cracks me up every time.

10. Chasing Amy - i love kevin smith and with another of his movies appearing higher up i'll leave the praise until then.

9. Clerks 2 - the raunchiest, funniest, but most heartwarming comedy ever made. kevin smith hit a home run with this movie...i mean please..it has a donkey show in it that goes awry..what's not to love?

8. Walk the Line - i love johnny cash and the portrayel in this movie is dead on. kudos to anyone with involvement in this motion picture.

7. Citizen Kane - and oldie but a goodie....peep it out if you're brave enough to watch a movie from the 40s.

6. Good Will Hunting - matty damon is awesome in this movie and robin williams turns in the best performance of his life. great writing and fully deserving of the oscar it won.

5. Batman: The Dark Knight - the best Batman movie....and the 2nd best comic book movie ever. heath ledger as the joker is a performance that no one who has seen it will ever forget because some people just like to watch the world burn.

4. Sin City - the best comic book movie ever. the story...acting.....and the cinematography make this not only a great comic movie but an achievement in film.

3. Bon Voyage Charlie Brown - this is my list and i love snoopy and i've watched this movie 1,000+ times and it entertains me everytime.

2. Seven - this movie is kick butt. full of suspense at every turn and an ending that will blow your mind.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - this movie proves one thing to me...besides the great performance, story, look, and feel....true love will survive if it's really meant to be...even if you erase your memory...

honorable mentions: dumb and dumber, the last kiss, saving private ryan, from dusk til dawn, independence day, the usual suspects, and pulp fiction

....

2008-10-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

i've been busy. considering only 3 of you actually read this it comes to no surprise.

i can't help but feel frustrated by the current political landscape.

i came into this election season with an open mind. i've always been a staunch republican supporter but obama certainly had some appeal to him. however, i have now made up my mind but it's mainly a middle finger to the media and bloggers everywhere.

i am SICK TO DEATH of this onslaught of negative articles about john mccain. two years ago the media sang his praises for his willingness to work with people outside of his party and for being someone who could not be influenced and made up his own mind. fast forward to today and they all crucify him because he's running against a democrat.

i'm sick to death of the media pointing fingers and trying to influence elections with their crap. worse, i'm concerned because so many people buy into it.

so here's my question.....is it the media's fault that they are so hypocriticle or are we at fault for not calling them out on it?

pump up

2008-08-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

music is basically my language. my mood determines my music most of the time but when i need that "pump me up" kind of music, certain songs really help push me into a good mood and get me going. so just because i'm at home, bored, and doing laundry i'm going to post some of them.

back in black - ac/dc
true love - phil wickham
bleeding - flickerstick
remedy - david crowder*band
marvelous light - charlie hall
overkill - colin hay
fringes - shane and shane
collide - fono
flood - jars of clay
bulls on parade - rage against the machine
tallahassee song - the twelfth chapter
selkies: the endless obcession - between the buried and me
these are the dead days - calhoun
chances - athlete
eleanor rigby - the beatles
dry the rain - the beta band
hard to handle - the black crowes
more than a feeling - boston
the night before life goes on - carrie underwood
all-american girl - carrie underwood
fight test - the flaming lips
shameless - garth brooks
this fire burns - killswitch engage
enter sandman - metallica
my weakness - moby
love and memories - o.a.r.
chocolate - snow patrol
interstate love song - stp
blinded - third eye blind
tool - forty-six and two
this lying world - unearth
one headlight - the wallflowers

comments? thoughts? snide remarks?

live from camp....

2008-07-31T21:07:00.001-07:00

so i'm in gretna, florida leading worship for the love at work camp.

let me start off by saying i thought i was going to kind of coast through this week. site hop and be the cool worship leader guy. i was wrong.

i stayed at one site, a softball field and have worked every day. to see the kids at this site do things they would never have in their normal life is an awesome, humbling experience. i helped this little 100 pound girl get up on a flimsy ten foot roof and hammer in nails because i was too big for it to hold me. to say i was holding my breath she wouldn't die is an understatement.

worship started off lukewarm but by last night i finally felt i had found the groove. the kids as the week progressed got more and more into it. last night i picked out "jesus paid it all" and i could see the room transforming and celebrating the Savior and what He has done for us.

today we could see real progress on our construction project and i could see God at work in the heart of the kids. tonight they let it all hang out. i chilled back and sit on the edge of the stage where they couldn't see me well and just led. they sang and praised so loud that it gave me chills.

after the talk tonight, i came back to celebrate what was said with "the wonderful cross" and "jesus paid it all". the kids went for it. singing, weeping, celebrating, and it continued into group. rather than play on an emotional moment, we sent the kids to their groups and after group time, two kids said they wanted to accept the call of Christ for their lives and give it over to Him. we then went to the pool and baptized them on the spot.

to be a part of that moment reaffirms why i am in the ministry. to answer the call and guide the lost to the One who paid our debt and raised His life up from the dead.

it's been a while

2008-07-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

yes it has. no good reason other than i have nothing to write about.

i still have no job....big surprise. all high school guidance counselors are lying when they say a college degree guarantees you a job.

i'm fine with this. not really. i need some money soon. i can survive a couple more months but after that serious questions will have to be answered.

i lead worship for a camp in a couple of weeks. totally excited about this. the chance to lead worship is something i do not take lightly and never have. the fact God gifted me to lead worship is a humbling and sometime scary thing. every chance i lead i always wonder how in the heck i'm going to do it then i remember something one my 3 mentors (JM) told me years ago.

God doesn't call the equipped, He equips those whom He calls.

the further i journey down the road of following Jesus, the more i have come to the conclusion that i believe it.

post-recording

2008-06-29T14:57:00.000-07:00

everything went well.

it's on digital form.

the producer is happy with it.

now narrowing 7 tracks down to 4 - 5.

in-studio mixing and overdubs to come.

expect video blogs at a future date on the soon to be re-launched element3.org

thanks everyone for your text messages this weekend. all 4 of them meant a lot.

setlist:
marvelous light (the trace version with a different tag and sound)
forever
you are god
sweetly broken
house of the holy one
center
blessed assurance

oh yeah.....thank you Lord for the opportunity!!!!!

tonight....

2008-06-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

i am a few short hours away from my second recording as a musician where my name is carrying the event. the first time i was in a studio with a good friend of mine. that day was awesome but back then i knew so little about being a musician. fast forward four years and i am 100 times better than i was then. this time i have a full band. this time its live.

Lord, thank you....thank you....thank you...thank you....

what makes a good song....

2008-06-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

what makes a good song?

different strokes for different fo'kes.

look at some of the best selling and most played songs of all time....

"smells like teen spirit" by nirvana
"enter sandman" by metallica
"hey jude" by the beatles
"ring of fire" by johnny cash
"proud mary" by ccr

what do they all have in common....

they make you want to sing-a-long or in the case of nirvana, mumble along.

my favorite songs fall in this vein as well.....

"remedy" by david crowder*band
"overkill" by colin hay
"tiny dancer" by elton john
"flood" by jars of clay
"blinded" by third eye blind
"afternoons and coffeespoons" by the crash test dummies
"sorry wrong trajectory" by flickerstick

what makes a great song for you?
what are your favorite songs?

2008-06-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

so....i've been listening to a wide variety of music lately. soft stuff, hard stuff, folky stuff, metal stuff; you get the idea. my next few posts will be some youtube videos of bands i've gotten into. first....the metal post

Michael Angelo Batio with the sickest guitar solo ever

Between the Buried and Me "Selkies: Endless Obcession"

Dream Theater "Honor Thy Father"

Metallica "St. Anger"

partial song......

2008-06-06T02:44:00.000-07:00

so i've been working on this song and i think the chorus is good times. the verses not happening...
so here's the chorus...someone inspire me...please....

i want to shout it out loud
from the top of my lungs
my hearts in my throat
and i've swallowed my tongue
confess all my fears
as i choke through the tears
and i need you to see
that without you
i'm incomplete

so there's the chorus.....and yes, it's probably what you think it's about

waking up...

2008-06-02T16:40:00.001-07:00

i hate to wake up in the morning. not so much because i don't want to face the day but more so because i hate not sleeping.

now that i have you riveted i'll ramble some....

life throws curveballs a lot. sometimes you get little curveballs, other times you get really big ones. right now i'm in the midst of waiting for the pitch.

today i put in an application to work at a retail establishment and felt so defeated afterwards. having to choke on your pride and get a job that won't pay well despite having a college education is tough to handle. i'm willing to do it though and i'll tell you why.

i don't want to leave tallahasee yet. the time isn't right.

i also have no other place to go other than washington dc. i really don't want to do that either. to do so would be a giant step backwards in my development.

God has been showing and teaching me so many things lately paramount of which is being humble. humbleness is not easy for me. i like getting pats on the back and doing high profile things that will get noticed. lately i've learned to just shrink my pride and do jobs high profile or not simply because they need to get done. i've had to stretch and learn to be a team player in different ways and its been a tough journey.

i say that to say this: God is calling me to work in churches from now until i die. right now i'm volunteering at a church and doing a variety of things, all of which i love very much most of the time. i see this time as a preparation for where God is going to point me next and to leave it now would set me back months or even years.

i'll be part of a church staff sooner or later and i'm comfortable with it being later but in order to get there i need to be seasoned in other areas. if i leave tallahassee now and go back to dc, i'll be working at an office, living at home until i find a place, and dead miserable. i hated living in dc because i had no friends and nothing to do with my life but work. i want to get married, have kids, and do what God wants me to do for Him. if i went to dc i'd become one miserable sob and regret every day for the rest of my life.

strength is rising as i wait on the Lord. He knows what he's doing and i need to shut up and listen to know what's next.

scared......

2008-05-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

i'm really scared right now.

there are no fun options at the moment with what's happening.

i
keep
waiting.......
and
searching.........
but
the
solution
is
not
coming

strength will rise as we wait upon the lord

the question i have is.....

how long?

inspiration....

2008-05-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

so...i'm totally ripping off my friends in maidavalemusic.com but that's ok. they put up a blog saying what they are diggin right now. my shameless attempt to be a copycat...

music....u2 "pop", tool "aenima", calhoun "calhoun", the black crowes "shake your money maker", carrie underwood "carnival ride", the beta band "the three e.p.'s", charlie hall "flying into daybreak", colin hay "going somewhere", between the buried and me "alaska" (particularly the song "selkies (the endless obsession)"), eric clapton & b.b. king "riding with the king", jars of clay "redemption songs", metallica "st. anger", and queen "a night at the opera".

books..."blue like jazz" by donald miller, "a new kind of christian" by brian mclaren, "ragamuffin gospel" by brennan manning, "chasing daylight" by erwin mcmanus, "walt disney: the triumph of the american imagination" by neal gabler and "sexgod" by rob bell.

movies..."snow white and the seven dwarves" (so not kidding...i read walt disney's autobiography recently and my already vivacious love of disney was reinvigorated), "fight club", "seven", "national treasure 2", "the mania of wrestlemania", "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", "garden state", and "the constant gardener".

there ya go...shameless rip off.

the puzzle.....

2008-05-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

so in the midst of my un-employment post-college period i haven't done so much. i sleep a lot, a eat more, and i read more. of these three things i would say sleep has been my favorite with reading coming a close second. i've finally gotten around to some books i've wanted to read but didn't have the mind energy for while i was in school. now, that they are done and i don't want to spend anymore money until i get a job i decided to retreat back to the safety of my bookshelf. for some reason "blue like jazz" was calling me for another look. i've read the book several times and every time i feel convicted about something else. one passage in the book particularly hit me....

he started talking about marriage and how scared he was of it and not just that but a close intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. lately i've been thinking about things that are such as well. donald miller wrote in the book that he was insecure. i think i figured out what my deal is by reading his.

i am insecure when it comes to who i am. not in a i don't know what to do sort of a way, it's the fear of rejection. i've been burned by a lot of people in the past who said they were my friends. i've had hard times with my family where i've felt outright rejected to a point. so it's almost a defense mechanism for me to build up a wall around myself. only one brick at a time does anyone actually get to see in. i do this because i'm afraid of someone were to really get to know me, they wouldn't like me. this is such a dangerous thing because i feel i will miss out on so many awesome, joyful things in life if i keep doing this. the scariest part is i'm allowing what other people think of me to determine my self worth. rather than letting myself be secure in that God made me who i am, i let others decisions about me effect how i feel about me. i shouldn't do that anymore. it's time to just be secure in my own self worth. until that happens, i'm probably not going to attract a female.

just an observation...does anyone else deal with this?......

my story...."the country years"

2008-05-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

so i left off last time with me moving to the small town of cullman, alabama. all 3 of you that read this are riveted i'm sure. rather than sum up all of this in one post i'm going to separate it into two. the happy one and the sad one. first the happy one.....

living in the country was an education. to the right of our house was a cornfield that hadn't been planted, harvested, or tilled in probably ten years. the reason being that the man that owned it was a drunk. not a drunk in the realm of he liked to have a beer here and there but a full on wake up in the morning, open up a can of "beast", and continue drinking until you pass out. if any of you know anything about beer, beast is the worst stuff you can buy. it is cheap though, so i guess if you are a raging alcoholic, it's a nice choice to buy in bulk at sam's. to the left of our house was a rather large cow pasture and 4 football field sized chicken houses. needless to say, the smell at times was not very pleasant.

i finally got my first cats as a result of this move. living in apartments was just not feasible for the cat situation so getting my own pet was a primary concern for me at age 10. we started with two sisters who were still kittens when we got them. we named the two spot and sassy, unfortunately sassy didn't last longer than a few months. sassy was outside one night and never came back. later on i found cat fur and some of her remains in the yard. i never told anyone because it was my dad who put them outside for the night. i didn't want him to know he killed her by doing it. spot lasted a long time but her story will have to wait. after sassy died, one day a friend of ours dropped off three kittens. honestly, all three of the cats were retarded. we named them sam, mo, and tiger. within a year, two of the three would be dead from feline leukemia. it was determined all three of them were born with it and it was only a matter of time before it happened. the third cat was the meanest cat that ever lived. he used to sit outside under the stick of this dead bush and growl at anything that walked by. mind you he was so fat that he couldn't have done anything about it but that's beside the point. after the death of the other two we got another one of spot's siblings from a different litter, he was already named when we got him and it happened to be spud. tiger didn't like spud, and since he was so mean we took him to the pound. dealing with him just wasn't worth it anymore. lastly, one summer night at church there was this ugly little black kitten running across the road alone. i felt bad for it because it was obviously not big enough to be away from its mother the entire time yet and was all alone out there. so we wound up taking her home. we named her spooky and needless to say. we did not know how important this cat would be to our family.

having all these cats meant there was cat food outside on the back step on a regular basis. the possums learned this and would frequently come up on our step and eat out of the cat dish. those ugly, brutish things were mean too. the cats were afraid of them and we were mad because we didn't have all that much money at the time and feeding the neighborhood possums was most certainly not in the budget. so my dad started killing them when they came in the yard. and we didn't own a gun so my dad did it with a wooden baseball bat. it was brutal killing. he would chase those things across the yard and beat them to death. as a kid i found it fascinating. one night he was beating one to death in the yard when he heard a bunch of hissing. the lights weren't on outside so he started yelling for us to turn the lights on. when we did there were 5 baby possums scattered out across the yard that had been in their dead mother's pouch. my dad put on gloves and picked those ugly things up and put them in a trash bag and we drove them to the dump a few miles away and left them at the front gate. i'm sure the people that worked at the dump were appreciative of a dead mama possum and several baby possums clinging to life inside a black garbage bag. that springs to life another one that happened as well. we came home from church one night and one ran out from the garage and ran up a tree. my dad and i were on the ground yelling at the thing while it hissed and spit at us (seriously). my dad was unsure how to get it out of the tree until he spotted a nearby 2x4. picture this....my dad in a shirt, tie, and khakis flinging a 2x4 at a possum up in a tree hissing and spitting. now that we are on the same page i'll continue. after several minutes of heaving, dad knocks the thing out of the tree and takes the bat and starts to beat it to death. the possum escapes my dad's clutches and runs into the cow pasture bleeding. my dad not one to be outsmarted by a possum jumps the barb wire fence splitting his pants but by gosh, he beat that possum to death. my dad refuses to be outsmarted by a possum.

there were several more happy times that didn't involve violence. i was a part of a wonderful church. today i would probably choke at the thought of having to go to church there but there was a man who take great interest in me. his name was mickey. seriously, his name was mickey and he was our minister of music. i looked up to that man so much. he was always so kind to my family and especially me. i was in choir with him and handbells. handbells weren't so much fun but the whole ritual of practice was. he would go pick up the kids from school so they could participate. since i was homeschooled, my mom would go up to practice the organ for sunday and i would ride with him to go pick up everyone else. i loved that part of the week. for a year straight i got to do it and spend time with him. i'm so glad i tracked him down years later. being able to tell him how much he meant to me was awesome. mickey means so much to me because he taught me my first guitar chords and was there when i bought my first guitar. he helped me pick and out and played it to make sure it would suit my needs. he also gave me a book with all the chords i would need. he really was a light in the darkness for me.

thanks mickey, i wouldn't be a lead worshipper if it weren't for you.....i hope you found peace.

my story..."the beginning"

2008-05-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

i am hesitant to even write what will be a hugely multi-part mini-series that could take years. being that i don't have a job yet, just graduated college, and am currently bored to tears; i figured there was no better time than the present.

i was born april 14, 1984 in birmingham, alabama. there was nothing remarkable about the day of my birth other than i was 3 weeks early and was born with jaundice. being born with his had no effect other than i had a full head of really dark hair and looked very much like a mexican when i was born. i lived in a suburb called roebuck where the middle incomers were known to prowl. my childhood was uneventful. other than the normal trips, birthday parties, etc. nothing stands out except for two things. my mom was the church organist at roebuck baptist church. worse, my dad was a deacon and sang in the choir. i'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with either of these things but i'm saying i was basically in church 'round the clock since 9 months before i was born. i kid you not. this time in my life was very cool because from birth - age 6 or so i had a church family that saw me and interacted with me all the time. a lot of my precociousness comes from this i think. i was around older kids and adults more than kids my own age. so my vocabulary and attention span was already on a higher level than most kids. factor in my mom and dad read to me several times a day and you have a very interesting combo that set up a pattern that i seem to repeat to this day.

at the age of five an unfortunate event happened. our neighborhood went from suburbia to ghetto in a very quick fashion and the value of property dropped meaning my dad lost money on the house he had built for us when it came time to move. we had to move and all we could afford was that crappy townhouse that was pretty much the ghetto. at one point there was a murder in one of the nearby townhouses and a drug thing was definitely going on in the neighborhood. as a kid i didn't understand why my mom would make me play outside only directly in front of our door. looking back, the fact she let me play outside at all is astounding. in the midst of all this at age 6 my sister anna kate was born. i loved being a big brother and all that came along with it. i wish that had remained. it's only been since my sister hit high school and most recently college that i feel we have a good relationship again.

when first grade hit i started going to a private christian school. this in itself wasn't too bad but i started getting in trouble on a regular basis. the foundation of my trouble wasn't me being a bad kid, i was just really bored. the rate at which i learned vs. the rest of the class was off the charts. what would take some of the kids a week took me a day. so instead of being quiet, i started acting out. me having to sit through entire recess sessions became a regular occurrence. by the time 3rd grade hit my mom made the decision that would change my life. i was pulled out of school and became a home schooler. i know that most people's first impressions of home schoolers are; that of stupid kids wearing dirty clothes, with unwashed hair, and the permanent kool-aid stain around their mouth so i know what you are thinking (you thought i didn't?). thankfully, we were most definitely not that way and the pace at which i was able to learn became very rapid. i started mowing through work and was able to start some grades earlier due to my capacity to absorb, entertain, and retain schoolwork.

in all of this there were a lot of family problems that i wouldn't become aware of until a couple of years later. to close out this blog. at some point, our family decided to move to a small town outside of cullman, alabama that was called bremen. worse, in cullman county, there were several communities with the worst names known to man: brushy pond, good hope, holly pond, hanceville, colony, crane hill, and the area we were in...cold springs.

to say i received an education would be an understatement. to move from the monstrous town that was birmingham to a county where the main town was 20 minutes away and that town only having about 15,000 residents was quite a change.

to be continued.....

rambling....madness

2008-05-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

i'm mad at myself. i did something really stupid not 10 minutes ago. i got a phone call that was expected yet nevertheless shook me on the inside. i should have not pushed the feelings aside. i told my friends and then just kinda went oh well and i shouldn't have done that.

i felt the explanation would have taken longer so i decided not to bother. now i'm wishing i had bothered. ugh....selfishly i hope she dies soon not because i want her gone but because she's suffered so long and with the cancer probably spread all over it's only a matter of time.

it's time to get ready to say good bye for the first time.......

Modern vs. Post-Modern and why it's all a bunch of crap....

2008-05-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

i should preface this post with a cautionary word. i am a member of an emerging church here in tallahassee, florida full of post-modern people and i love every bit of it. that being said, i read a book this past week by a couple of young, hip pastors in their early 30s who completely rip apart the emerging church, rob bell, brian mclaren, and erwin mcmanus. i got so angry as i turned the pages that i started shaking. however, since i didn't want to respond without reading their whole argument i pressed on until i read the entire book and i've come to a conclusion. the modern movement of the church is trying to attack the post-modern movement and i haven't the foggiest idea why. to top it off, the stuff the wrote was downright hurtful and their views are bent from only one perspective.

i don't want to rehash their whole book and then destroy it because then i would be no better than they are and i certainly don't want to come across like i have all the answers but there are several things that i want to bring up for discussion.

the two authors of this book grew up in the modern evangelical church. they then state they wear those hip black glasses every post-modern thinker wears and one of them even writes for espn: the magazine. their main idea is that even though they should be post-modern, they aren't and are instead going to do what they can to call into question the emerging church movement. first of all, why you would want to bring down a ministry that is nothing like your own....and second, why would you write a book attacking rob bell, brian mclaren, and erwin mcmanus when you never even bothered to contact them to interview them for your book is beyond me. rather than write a book about how terrible their ministry is, shouldn't it be your first mission to first interview them, then write your book if you aren't satisfied with their answers? just throwing it out there. i also find it very interesting that nowhere in their book do they attack passion or northpoint church even though they're primary demographic is post-modern college students and young singles and families. i wonder why that is?

now, i think what bothered me most about their book is they didn't even bother looking through the lens of the target demographics of the two schools of the church. the two authors wrote their book from their perspective. both grew up in the modern evangelical church, one is a pastor of a modern evangelical church, and one is only an attendee at the other guy's evangelical church. let me make this crystal clear that there is nothing wrong with that, at all. jesus is meant for all people and i applaud them in their ministry but they forget (or have no clue) the main point of the emerging church. the emerging church emerged (pun intended) because the numbers at modern evangelical churches started shrinking and a whole generation (i use this broadly, not literally) quit coming to church and searching for jesus. so, the emerging church was created to help minister to people who had never grown up in church, been to church outside of a wedding or easter, and people who had been to modern churches and felt something not resolving within themselves. let me illustrate my point here with this:

at the author's church, the average attender has grown up in church, understands the church lingo of words like "salvation", "trinity", "sin", etc... so these things make sense to him. when the pastor gets up on sunday and talks about sin and how homosexuality is wrong and things that are such his congregation agrees because that is what they have grown up hearing and fits in with their value system.

now, take an average college student, 20, or 3o something. never been to church, has had homosexual friends, drank, smoked stuff, done drugs, and was brought up without any knowledge of church lingo. if this person walked into the author's church their first instinct would be to leave. not because what is being said isn't true but because they were raised differently and have no firm foundation for anything of what's being said. so how do you reach these people?

it starts with friendship. not saying we want to save you. not saying you're going to hell. not saying gay people are going to hell if they don't repent. it starts with being a friend. then as you get to know the friend and they ask questions about your life you can start sharing about Jesus. your church, etc. they may be interested, they may not be. but if there comes a time to bring this friend to a church and introduce them to a community of believers, where do you take them? the modern evangelical church? or an emerging church?

let me clarify once again, my aim is not to attack the evangelical church or defend the post-modern church even though it's probably apparent where i stand in this argument. i just want to ask these questions and let you decide for yourself what you think. i encourage you to read their book, then read rob bell, brian mclaren, and erwin mcmanus's books and then decide for yourself.

one more issue i want to cover before closing out is the author's stance that the emerging church has to take a stand on certain issues like homosexuality, etc. the authors want them to publicly come out and say how they feel on this issue. i want to point out this is the worst idea on the planet for the emerging church leaders. we live in a day and age where homosexuality is more or less accepted and if you have a problem with it then you are a crazy bible thumping jesus freak. brian mclaren has a book out about his correspondence with a young woman who was a not a believer at all. she was however at one of his book signings as a harp player and she met him and read his book. she emailed him and said she was intrigued by his book and what he said in his presentation because the gospel he presented was one she hadn't heard before. she had gone to church in the past and been told homosexuals were going to hell, she was going to hell if she didn't get saved, and that she needed to be born again. she said she had questions, and the book is their email correspondence. by the end of the book by showing her love and support and asking questions, brian was able to take a post-modern girl and teach her how to love jesus. here's the kicker though, before she became a believer, she was a staunch supporter of gay rights and wanted nothing to do with him if he started any gay bashing. now here is the question i pose for you to think about. if these emerging church leaders dealing with this demographic were to come out in public and condemn and take stands on certain issues, would they be able to effectively minister to who they are called to minister to?

i know a counter-argument to my writing today could be, well where do i stand? well i'll tell you. i believe jesus loves us all and has a plan for each of us. there are things like sin, lifestyle choices, etc. that keep us from him on a daily basis. only with the love of christ, and the guidance of his word will i know how i am to live my life. it is not my place to judge anyone else's lifestyle because i have so many thorns in my side keeping me from walking the path christ wants me to. instead of finger pointing, can't we all just love each other like christ would and let that love convict ourselves on what thorns we need to pull out of our bodies? one day, when all this fades away christ is either going to accept us into himself, or he won't. jesus said, "above all, love the lord your god with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself." if we can accomplish these two goals, then all these other issues these authors want emerging leaders to take a stand on won't matter. but until we can accomplish these two goals, i guess we'll be making these same arguments 20 years from now.

wow

2008-04-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

first off, i have to say thank you to some incredible people. i've been abundantly blessed by God and some other amazing people this weekend. to my family, jm, gus, bob, jeff, ryan, the schworms and everyone else (you know you are randy) i say thank you and i love you all. you made this past weekend so incredibly special for me and it touched me down in places of my soul that i hardly ever talk about. there were a lot of tears this weekend and a lot of laughs as well. being able to lead worship on sunday at my current church e3 made it all that much more special. words can't even begin to recap everything but in a rare moment i'm going to type up what i wrote on my journal friday night minutes after the graduation ceremony. to all of you, once again i love you and hope to see every single one of you soon......

well, it really happened. i graduated college. there are so many emotions flowing inside my body right now that it's hard for these words to do it justice. i'm sitting here at a sonic waiting on some food and a delicious cherry limeaid, alone. for a change that's not a bad thing. i hate being alone but right now i need to be. just me, my journal, and God.
i think back on the journey i've been on and it makes me feel how powerful, loving, and forgiving God is. this journey has left its share of scars but there have been so many wonderful moments filled with joy. there were times i never thought this moment would happen and ironically there were many times i didn't want it to happen. part of growing up has meant learning what the path is that has been laid out before me and it's taken me a lot longer than i could have ever imagined. why? well the truth is i still don't know what that path is. i just know God has brought me this far and He will show me where to go when the time is right.
i think back on times gone by, growing up as a little kid in alabama, being a lonely teenager who got in way over his head living in connecticut, to finding great friends in richmond, and lastly finding peace of mind in tallahassee. i feel loved and blessed by it all.
tonight when the president of fsu said congratulations to all of you, you are now alumni of florida state university my eyes welled up with tears which i quickly wiped away so the people next to me wouldn't think i was a complete dork. of all the things that i have happened this weekend i am most ashamed by that. after all that has happened, i should have been proud to shed those tears because it would have been an acknowledgment of all of this. all the pain, all the hurt, all the joy, all the people who helped me get here.
i realize now that i am one of the luckiest people alive. as i start this next chapter, who knows what it will bring.......to be continued....

april 25, 2008 (30 minutes after graduating florida state university)

somebody call the whambulance....

2008-04-16T19:00:00.001-07:00

seriously. these thoughts come to my mind quite randomly. for some reason i've been thinking a lot about girls, marriage, family, etc. in the past week. it probably has to do with our pastor at church preaching on song of songs so i blame him.

there's a scripture he mentioned that said:
Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love until the time is right.

it's something to live by now. in the past i've always tried to find a way to get a girl to know i exist on a non-friend plateau. the older i get the more important it seems to find a female companion with whom you are best friends and the love springs from that.

i want to get married, not tomorrow but in the next few years. it's the whole "not awakening love until the time is right" that has me frustrated.

something to ponder.....

the best time of my life.....seriously

2008-04-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

i don't want to make it sound like my life has been miserable because it hasn't. there have been some great times and there have been some bad times but overall my life hasn't been too bad. i have to say though, i am living in the best part thus far.

i have great friends, a great church, and a healthy attitude about the future. in about 9 days i graduate college. a day i thought would never come (and many others probably thought wouldn't either). there is no job offer yet, no idea about where money will come from, and my living situation is up in there. yet i'm not stressed out about it. quite the opposite in fact.

the past year has been one of great pain and mystery. i had a horrible battle with a health issue and that made my entire life miserable at times. but a funny thing happened, in the worst of the pain some friends of mine helped me through it. now every week i find myself wanting to hang out with them more and more for the strangest reason. i actually feel safe. i feel safe to express who i am, what i feel, and where i feel God is leading me. i haven't opened up much about my past and i don't feel i need to. the people i hang out with don't care about where i've been in the negative, they just love me for who i am now and am slowly becoming.

in 2 weeks a chapter will close and new one will begin. i am uncertain but not scared. i have the best support system in my life than ever right now. my parents, my friends in va., and my friends here.

so much yet for me to explore and experience......

i venture with great trepidation.....

2008-04-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

i hesitate to even write this blog because i'm sure all four of you that read it will scratch your head immediately.

i am no longer a christian. there i said it.

now before everyone thinks i've forsaken my call let me assure you i have not. i just finished a book that has changed my life, how i read scripture, and in conjunction with other thoughts lately given me this feeling. i hate christians. plain and simple. it's not even for the normal reasons post-moderns like myself give like the crusades, the televangelists, and some horrible church leader they encountered in the past. no, mine is even simpler than that. the church of today tries to examine and understand something using modern mindsets that isn't meant to be read and examined like a book. let me explain...

modern thought and study says we should pick up a book, read it, study it, dissect it, break it down, and try to reason what the main point is. that's great, but when it comes to Jesus, all too often we use the same logic. we have a problem so we open the bible and search for answers. to me this is missing the boat completely. scripture is meant to seep into our consciousness and pervade our heart to the point where we are a living, breathing example of the gospel.

this might sound confusing and i assure you, it is. it goes against most modern principles that the modern age has brought us. even the very doctrine of christianity nowadays has gotten completely off track. don't believe me....try this on for size.

church culture today has a main focus of "saving" people. we are saved from our sins and will have eternal life. yes, this is true and i agree that we are "saved" but there's something that has always bothered me about that. something about God never resolved with me in this area. if our main focus is getting saved and saving others what else is the point to life? to me this culture that breeds the main focus is getting saved is very dangerous for a variety of reasons paramount of which is that it breeds complacency. if the church makes its priority "saving" then it creates this stigma of ok i'm saved great, i'm going to become the church automaton and join the masses. this should be the ABSOLUTE last thing that should happen.

there are a lot of other things i could say about this subject but to keep this blog from becoming a giant tangent, but i think we should re-define the word "salvation". rather than it meaning "to become saved from our sins", perhaps a better way to define it would be to say "it's accepting the mission of Jesus Christ". what is this mission? to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

now, why am i no longer a christian? i think that's apparent. i don't want the label of what we define a christian as nowadays. i'd much rather be a radical Jesus loving, broken soul, and people loving guy who wants other people to find the joy he's discovered in the love of Christ.

i have nothing to write...almost

2008-03-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

so it's been a while and one person said i should writing something. the truth is, i'm in the midst of getting ready for a show at the coffee pub on friday april 4 (cheap plug) and am not feeling really creative in the writing category for the moment. i'm trying to finish a couple of songs i've been writing and when that's done the creative juices for this blog just aren't there. so rather than spoil the lyrics of my new songs now i'll leave you with a song that has always been a favorite of mine but lately has become one of my top ten thanks to my friends in the twelfth chapter evan, kelby, randy, and jon.

from blister by jimmy eat world

how long will it take me to walk across the united states all alone?
the west coast has been traumatized and i think i'm the only one still alive

i am a lucky man...

2008-03-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

i am a lucky man. i don't mean this in the sense that i hit the lotto or found a shiny penny heads up on the sidewalk. i am merely stating that today i feel lucky and more important blessed.

i've been sick for a while. a long while actually, 8 months to be exact. doctors have been baffled with my symptoms, and i've had to endure pain on a consistent basis to the point where i didn't feel like myself most of the time. i felt even more awkward than normal, i felt like not communicating with people, and i felt tired all the time.

three weeks ago i hit rock bottom with the pain. i had six blood tests in three weeks, had seen 3 different doctors, and spent an afternoon in the hospital. i was so tired of being sick and feeling tired and not myself that i took the advice of the greatest nurse of all time (with all apologies to two people who will kill me for saying they aren't the best nurses of all time). she told me to lay down and pray until god answered me. i took her advice. i sat on the couch and i cried out to god asking why he hadn't healed me. i had been in pain for so long and had felt that i had been abandoned. that time became very special to me. without revealing the intense feelings that came from that time i will say that i got the feeling god was going to heal me and that everything was going to be alright.

fast forward to this past week. i had a procedure done that figured out what was wrong and i have been acting based on that information. i have felt so much better that i can't even put into words how good it feels to feel more "normal" (if you can really classify anything i do as normal). then today something else happened. i felt so lucky to be alive in this period of time in my life. my dad and sister flew in from dc to tally to take care of me this week and i got to spend some one-on-one time with my dad which is unfortunately limited to only a couple of times per year due to the distance and just how our lives are. furthermore, the outpouring of love from my friends here has been hard to digest for me. in the past few people have really cared about me when serious areas of my life sprang up. i felt like no on really gave two craps about me at times and that hardened me to a point where i had a hard time handling it when people would be nice to me. today that all changed. three weeks ago three people showed up in the hospital to hang out just because i was there and they knew i needed a friend. i didn't realize how lucky i was until today. three people actually showed up to take care of me for no other reason other than they wanted to. for me that was hard to handle. this week i've received more texts, and facebook messages, and phone calls than i thought possible. so many people have been praying for me and hoping that i would get better that it humbles me to the point of wanting to cry again.

i don't know what the future holds a little more than a month from now. i am going to graduate college and there are some possibilities on the horizon for great things to happen. for so long i've been scared but as of today i'm not anymore. i have family, friends, and now my health again. god has blessed me immeasurably more than i deserve and ever thought.

rescue is no longer coming, it's here. the remedy i've been searching for has arrived. it was here, i just hadn't opened my eyes to it. the remedy was the big C church. not just my family at e3, but the church as a whole. we are called to be a community of believers, loving and exhorting one another expressing the same love jesus has and is doing in our lives.

is rescue coming for you....or is the remedy already here?......

letting go of fear....

2008-03-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

this is not an easy blog to write; and it's all your fault. all of you who read this one. i have to admit i am a fairly cynical person. since september i've been working for florida state's university housing here in tallahassee overnight at the dorms while completing my final year of college (a long story in itself). i've seen more and been witness to some truly horrible facts.

number one, there are a lot of people that live in these dorms that drink way too much. i've cleaned up a lot of puke this year and none of these kids seem to understand how empty it is getting drunk EVERY single weekend.

number two, there are a lot of girls who walk in at 4am with what little clothes they wore half hanging off and the dead give away of sex hair.

number three, a lot of college freshmen live their life by how they feel. they have no respect for authority or their friends or roomates for that matter.

you can see the dilemma because i have become quite cynical until recently. a good friend/mentor of mine named eric gave me the best advice i've ever heard. he said to me that he used to think like me in that there is no hope and this world is ugly. then one day someone told him that "cynicism is our reaction to something we are too afraid to do something about."

i'm trying not to be cynical anymore. instead, when the above situations occur i try and make sure i have the same reaction jesus would. i feel my heart break inside for them because evidentally no one has ever really loved them. they have no idea that there is a father who will never leave them, take advantage of them, or strip away their emotions and make them feel worthless. i ask them how they are doing and if they want to talk. no one has said yes yet but hopefully one day someone will. for now, all i can do is pray for them and pray for myself that i won't let that cynicism leak back into my consciousness.

taking the supporting role

2008-02-28T12:45:00.000-08:00

i have to confess something else. i at one point was very active in sports. soccer, i was as bad as it gets. football, i could hold my own. baseball however was my true love. my first two seasons were pretty shaky, then again at age 10 and 11 who is very good and coordinated? however, by age 12 i was pretty decent. i hardly sat on the bench and had the oh so nice spot of batting 6 out of 11 (Little League rules in this league said that everyone batted). i was always good for a clutch hit and was an above average fielder.

by the time i was 13 and in 7th grade, i was the man. i had the best stats for a 13 year old on my team and held a decent batting average of .312 while playing every inning that year as first basemen. you would think i would be a lock to make the all-star team at the end of the season. however, you would be wrong. i lived in a small town at the time and did not grow up in that town. let me explain....small towns in alabama, you are more or less important depending on who your daddy is in the community (i'm not bitter, just stating fact). since i was a newbie in town, i had no one pulling for me. despite having a better season than any other 13 year old on my team, i was shut out. two kids who had grown up in the town and were friends of the all star coach's son made the team instead of me. i remember being devastated and becoming very bitter that year. i had worked so hard, improved, done my best, and thought i deserved this reward to represent my team.

fast forward a year later. i'm no longer living in alabama and am living in connecticut. the talent level is a bit higher and it showed. i played well but there were several people that were much better than me. that year i did not deserve it. that year i figured out my role was as an encourager. i would shout from the dugout at my teammates at bat, i would high-five if they get a hit, or give them a "you'll get 'em next time" if they got out. it wasn't the most glorious role but no one else on my team was doing it, so i decided that would be my job.

the next year, i had the game of all games. we were running neck and neck with the other team in the late innings. we're losing by one run going into the last inning and miraculously i get on base with one out. i'm able to steal second and move into scoring position. the hitter hits a long pop fly, i tag up and when the catch is made am barely able to slide into third for another base. with two outs a very below average hitter was up to bat. the coach said, "if that ball gets by that catcher, you better run like a demon is chasing you because he ain't gonna hit you in." i took his advice to heart and sure enough, a wild pitch. i break off running as fast as i can and slide safely into home plate to score the tying run. we are now off to extra innings and the other team goes two straight scoreless innings. once again i come up to bat. there is a man on third base and i'm up with two outs. i literally am the last hope for our team to tie up this game before yet another extra inning. i work the count to 2-0 and then the miracle became complete. i got the most perfect change up thrown to me and i responded by whacking the cover off the ball. the ball sailed into centerfield well over the fielder's head. i hit the walk-off triple that won the game. this one time, i got to be the hero. my teammates were the ones high-fiving me, not the other way around.

i never quite had a game like that again. i relegated myself to being a great fielder and an average hitter who could be great on occasion. i also realized i was a good encourager and i began to really enjoy my role. instead of trying to be the hero, i became the guy who supported the top players on the team because i was most definitely not as good as they were.

the next year proved to be my last year in organized sports. it wasn't for any particular reason other than i didn't have the opportunity. i was by far the least talented person on this team but i kept it in perspective and was honored i even got on the team. i was a solid fielder all year and could be counted on not to make errors. my hitting was crap though. i couldn't swat flies i was that bad. i had a few moments where i made some spectacular looking hits, but for the most part i was the pop-fly and strike out king. i still kept up my cheering and being the supporting player of the team. then a funny thing happened, all-star time came around and i got to try-out. even though i wasn't the best player, i was given a shot because of my attitude. i never complained, i was levelheaded, and never gave up on a game until the final out was done.

in perhaps the biggest surprise of all time in my life, i actually made the team. it may have been that the try outs were not that big of a deal to some of the players. it may also have been that not too many people showed up for it. there were a lot of reasons why i made the team but for that to be the final team i ever played on, it holds a very special place. it was fun from start to finish. i felt i had been rewarded for all my hard work and i was finally able to let go of the disappointment of coming so close to making an all-star team and never getting it. i wish i could say we won a tournament but that didn't happen. we won our first game and then lost two straight meaning we were done. for me, just the fact that i got to be on that team, made all those years of hard work worth it.

now...if you have been reading my blogs you know that i usually try to connect this to some random part of my walk with christ at the moment. well here it is....

i am not. not I AM. i am not. louie giglio in his book "i am not" specifically talks about how we need to stop trying to run the show that is our lives. apart from christ we can do nothing. he uses language that sparked something within me on the last re-read. we need to start realizing we are not the star of the show. we are only bit players. the supporting actor you could say. when we make christ the center of our lives, we become supporting players in the greatest story ever told. god can do a lot with us playing a supporting role rather than when we try to butt in and say we know better.

lately, i've realized the truth of the verse in john "he must become greater, and i must become less and less." the more i lower myself, the easier life is and the more intimate my relationship with christ becomes. and i don't mean easier in terms of bad things never happen to me. i mean easier in the way i handle life.

in the baseball example, the more i lowered myself, the greater the reward later. for one game, i got to be the hero. the last team i ever played on, i got to be an "all-star". for years and years i played the supporting the role and in my opinion, god rewarded me for being faithful and not quitting even when the talent in the leagues far surpassed mine. i am truly thankful for those two moments and i hope one day to pass those stories along to my kids. there aren't many things in my life i like to take pride in, but those two moments mean so much to me. i'm tearing up even thinking about them right now.

the point of this really long blog? the older i get, the more i realize i need to lower my face to the ground, because i am not...and he is I AM and that it's better to be a supporting player in his big story, rather than trying to be the main star in my story. if we play the supporting role in god's story, he will do extraordinary things with us rather than if we try to be the star.

i am not......famous

who am i...?

2008-02-21T15:52:00.001-08:00

so why would i waste time posting on this blog with this really dumb thing we've all seen in a facebook or myspace bulletin? the answer is simple. music is my life. everyday i wake up to music, really loud music. "fuel" by metallica to be exact. there is nothing like being awakened to the monster riff of this song. it wakes you up in a "take on the world" kind of mood, except for days it goes off because i forget to turn it off, then it is unwelcome. while walking to class, i have my ipod on, listening to music. when i am in line in the grocery store i come up with lyrics in my head (strange i know but the best song i feel i've written was conceived while buying toilet paper, a snickers bar, and a 12 pack of dr. pepper). everything in my life somehow ties its way back to music. so without further ado, i turned my itunes onto shuffle and hit play and these 15 songs are what itunes decided to express....

1. hero of the day by metallica
2. when i'm gone by 3 doors down
3. famous one by chris tomlin
4. he is the love by david crowder band
5. glycerine by bush
6. faster by third eye blind
7. mr lewis shoes by maida vale
8. tallahassee song by the twelfth chapter
9. smile by flickerstick
10. cannonball by damian rice
11. all american girl by carrie underwood
12. fell on bad days by rubyhorse
13. marching bands of manhattan by death cab for cutie
14. mfc by pearl jam
15. superman by lazlo bane

what does all this mean? what does the above have to do with my title..."who am i"? simple. i am a very complicated person. there is not one box i am shoved in. these songs all have different genres, expressions, lyrics, and sounds. i'm not just a fan of country, hard rock, indie rock, rap, acoustic junk, or folk. i love it all. i also mention this because too often we judge a book by its cover. we could get in someone's car and see a cd by a band and just make the big assumption this is the only genre of music they like when in reality, they could like all sorts of music.

the same can be side of people in general. we all have different aspects of personality that kick in at different moments. whether it's by putting your itunes on shuffle, or being put in a situation where feelings you never knew existed jumped out. we need to stop putting people inside a box and telling them we won't love them if they don't fit within a certain genre.

jesus loved us and died for us and because of this we don't have to live within a box. we can worship our creator in many different forms and not just one way is the right way. that's the beauty of jesus.....he gave us freedom.

what is love....?

2008-02-19T23:44:00.000-08:00

and i don't mean baby don't hurt me. i think haddaway asked a question many of us ask on a daily basis. what is love? what is it about this word that can drive a cowboy crazy or drive a man insane? (a 50 cent peace if you can figure out that reference)

love is something that everyone on this planet craves in one form or another. i know i crave it. there is not a moment on any day where i say to myself, "you know, i don't want to be loved right now. screw it!" sounds asanine doesn't it?

lately i've been reading of a love in the bible that goes futher beyond any love i've ever expressed and i don't just mean the big one that is probably creeping into your minds right now. yes, the cross is the ultimate love expression but another one has caught my eye earlier in that fateful week, it occured on the night before christ's death while he was praying in the garden. it is the night before he is going to be killed and he doesn't just pray for himself, he prayed for us. in john 17:20 jesus prays: "i am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me because of their (the disciples) testimony. my prayer for all of them is that they will be one, just as you and i are one, father--that just as you are in me and i am in you, so they will be in us, and the world will believe you sent me."

these verses break my heart for two very big reasons. the first being that a love like that is unfathomable to me. jesus knew he was about to die, yet he prayed for me and you and everyone else that would ever live on this planet who will believe in him. how unselfish and oh how much does it convict me. when do i ever practice a love such as this? second, jesus prayed we would be one. not separate, but one full body in christ jesus our lord and god our father. i cast glances around the city of tallahassee and i see how un-united the parts of this body are. i've been many other places and i know it's the same way there. why are things this way? why do we compete for people to come to our church when in reality we are all one church? it hurts. things aren't as they should be.

the final question i have and the thing that drives me in my pursuit of the lord's desire for my heart (see my last blog) is how can i help unite the body of christ? i feel called to unite believers and not just in the church i am currently working at, but all believers in this city, then state, then country, then this world. will it happen? probably not. however, i am definitely living this motto from phillipians "i can do anything through christ who strengthens me." if we all come together (and i don't mean in a hippie 70s kind of way) and learn to love each other and everyone else, then we would truly start to become the tangible hands of christ we are called to be.

for me right now......conviction ---> change ---> revolution

what is the revolution? the revolution is a people dwelling in christ loving each other (and everyone else for that matter) and being the tangible hands of love to a broken, hurting world full of people who desperately need the lord and each other. this life was meant to be full of love and joy. why don't you and i start now? who knows, maybe it will catch on...

desire

2008-02-16T00:08:00.000-08:00

i've been wrestling with desire lately. not so much "desires" but desire itself. webster defines the word as "to long or hope for; to express a wish to".

this definition begs the question inside of me, "what do i desire?". what do i long for? what do i wish for? for a long time the answer to that question has been rescue. i feel tired, i feel broken, and i feel wasted. i want something to radically alter my behavior and make me feel "happy". i have christ inside of me but yet i haven't lived like he's there. what's missing?

the very idea of desire now comes to me in a different form. i was reading in ephesians 1 and i couldn't get further than the first verse before something made me stop. paul writes: "an apostle of christ jesus by the will of god." i then picked up a commentary and found out that in the bible the phrase "will of god" should really be "the desire of god". that put an entirely new spin on this for me. paul was an apostle by the desire(or hope, the wish) of god. the very idea sunk into me and made me ask this question..."what am i trace, by the desire of god?" that is a very scary question and one that i'm not sure i want to know the answer to. god is infintely bigger than anything and everything. if there is something that he desires of us, would we really want to do it if it meant change and stepping out on a ledge with nothing but faith to fall back on?

i think the scary part is i am asking that question now. just what is his desire for me? the answer is multi-faceted and one that i'm not comepletely privy to just yet. god's timing tends to work like that. there are two things i do know right now he desires for me; (1) to seek after him in all i do, and (2) to keep changing daily. change --> growth --> mind blowing experiences. the rest of the desires he has for me i have a feeling i can't even begin to fathom yet.

so here's a question i have for you. are you ready to ask that question....lord, what do you desire of me?......

the beginning

2008-02-12T07:20:00.000-08:00

i do not claim to be rescue for anyone. if you were drowning, i would be the last person you could possibly want saving you. i swim but not all that well, i can't hold my breath very long, and i tend to get very afraid in the ocean. the likelihood of a shark attack is very small but nonetheless i always feel as if i'm the next person in that very small percentage of people that actually gets bitten.

the truth is my life has been one interesting adventure to the next. i've moved more times than i can count and the number of taxing situations i've been in number the amount of pimples i had in high school (that is a very high number, ask my mom about it sometime).

i've always felt i've been searching for rescue. rescue from my tiring schedule, rescue from my past, rescue from my present, and rescue from the melancholiness i sometimes get for no reason. i've tried many forms of rescue. music, art, movies, pain pills, books, and relationships. it was the very definition of insanity. i would try the same things over and over to get a desired result when these attempts never got me anywhere the first time.

rescue was always there, i just wasn't looking where i should have been. i must confess at this point that i grew up in church. my mom was the church organist so i was in church 9 months before i even entered the world officially. i never remember a point where god was not in my life. however, as i got older god didn't resolve. the people i saw in church were political, out for themselves, and not wholly concerned with what i was taught life should revolve around. it wasn't until my senior year of high school when god started to resolve. i remember being in a room with people i barely knew, singing songs i had never heard, and feeling something start to stir in my soul. i remember falling to my knees as the tears poured down my face as i sang i wouldn't forget him, that he was my god and my king, and that i was thankful. almost seven years later i can still remember that moment as if it had happened the night before.

the remedy to pain was, is, and will be here.

i used to think rescue is coming, but that was before all this happened......