wow

first off, i have to say thank you to some incredible people. i've been abundantly blessed by God and some other amazing people this weekend. to my family, jm, gus, bob, jeff, ryan, the schworms and everyone else (you know you are randy) i say thank you and i love you all. you made this past weekend so incredibly special for me and it touched me down in places of my soul that i hardly ever talk about. there were a lot of tears this weekend and a lot of laughs as well. being able to lead worship on sunday at my current church e3 made it all that much more special. words can't even begin to recap everything but in a rare moment i'm going to type up what i wrote on my journal friday night minutes after the graduation ceremony. to all of you, once again i love you and hope to see every single one of you soon......

well, it really happened. i graduated college. there are so many emotions flowing inside my body right now that it's hard for these words to do it justice. i'm sitting here at a sonic waiting on some food and a delicious cherry limeaid, alone. for a change that's not a bad thing. i hate being alone but right now i need to be. just me, my journal, and God.
i think back on the journey i've been on and it makes me feel how powerful, loving, and forgiving God is. this journey has left its share of scars but there have been so many wonderful moments filled with joy. there were times i never thought this moment would happen and ironically there were many times i didn't want it to happen. part of growing up has meant learning what the path is that has been laid out before me and it's taken me a lot longer than i could have ever imagined. why? well the truth is i still don't know what that path is. i just know God has brought me this far and He will show me where to go when the time is right.
i think back on times gone by, growing up as a little kid in alabama, being a lonely teenager who got in way over his head living in connecticut, to finding great friends in richmond, and lastly finding peace of mind in tallahassee. i feel loved and blessed by it all.
tonight when the president of fsu said congratulations to all of you, you are now alumni of florida state university my eyes welled up with tears which i quickly wiped away so the people next to me wouldn't think i was a complete dork. of all the things that i have happened this weekend i am most ashamed by that. after all that has happened, i should have been proud to shed those tears because it would have been an acknowledgment of all of this. all the pain, all the hurt, all the joy, all the people who helped me get here.
i realize now that i am one of the luckiest people alive. as i start this next chapter, who knows what it will bring.......to be continued....

april 25, 2008 (30 minutes after graduating florida state university)

somebody call the whambulance....

seriously. these thoughts come to my mind quite randomly. for some reason i've been thinking a lot about girls, marriage, family, etc. in the past week. it probably has to do with our pastor at church preaching on song of songs so i blame him.

there's a scripture he mentioned that said:
Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love until the time is right.

it's something to live by now. in the past i've always tried to find a way to get a girl to know i exist on a non-friend plateau. the older i get the more important it seems to find a female companion with whom you are best friends and the love springs from that.

i want to get married, not tomorrow but in the next few years. it's the whole "not awakening love until the time is right" that has me frustrated.

something to ponder.....

the best time of my life.....seriously

i don't want to make it sound like my life has been miserable because it hasn't. there have been some great times and there have been some bad times but overall my life hasn't been too bad. i have to say though, i am living in the best part thus far.

i have great friends, a great church, and a healthy attitude about the future. in about 9 days i graduate college. a day i thought would never come (and many others probably thought wouldn't either). there is no job offer yet, no idea about where money will come from, and my living situation is up in there. yet i'm not stressed out about it. quite the opposite in fact.

the past year has been one of great pain and mystery. i had a horrible battle with a health issue and that made my entire life miserable at times. but a funny thing happened, in the worst of the pain some friends of mine helped me through it. now every week i find myself wanting to hang out with them more and more for the strangest reason. i actually feel safe. i feel safe to express who i am, what i feel, and where i feel God is leading me. i haven't opened up much about my past and i don't feel i need to. the people i hang out with don't care about where i've been in the negative, they just love me for who i am now and am slowly becoming.

in 2 weeks a chapter will close and new one will begin. i am uncertain but not scared. i have the best support system in my life than ever right now. my parents, my friends in va., and my friends here.

so much yet for me to explore and experience......

i venture with great trepidation.....

i hesitate to even write this blog because i'm sure all four of you that read it will scratch your head immediately.

i am no longer a christian. there i said it.

now before everyone thinks i've forsaken my call let me assure you i have not. i just finished a book that has changed my life, how i read scripture, and in conjunction with other thoughts lately given me this feeling. i hate christians. plain and simple. it's not even for the normal reasons post-moderns like myself give like the crusades, the televangelists, and some horrible church leader they encountered in the past. no, mine is even simpler than that. the church of today tries to examine and understand something using modern mindsets that isn't meant to be read and examined like a book. let me explain...

modern thought and study says we should pick up a book, read it, study it, dissect it, break it down, and try to reason what the main point is. that's great, but when it comes to Jesus, all too often we use the same logic. we have a problem so we open the bible and search for answers. to me this is missing the boat completely. scripture is meant to seep into our consciousness and pervade our heart to the point where we are a living, breathing example of the gospel.

this might sound confusing and i assure you, it is. it goes against most modern principles that the modern age has brought us. even the very doctrine of christianity nowadays has gotten completely off track. don't believe me....try this on for size.

church culture today has a main focus of "saving" people. we are saved from our sins and will have eternal life. yes, this is true and i agree that we are "saved" but there's something that has always bothered me about that. something about God never resolved with me in this area. if our main focus is getting saved and saving others what else is the point to life? to me this culture that breeds the main focus is getting saved is very dangerous for a variety of reasons paramount of which is that it breeds complacency. if the church makes its priority "saving" then it creates this stigma of ok i'm saved great, i'm going to become the church automaton and join the masses. this should be the ABSOLUTE last thing that should happen.

there are a lot of other things i could say about this subject but to keep this blog from becoming a giant tangent, but i think we should re-define the word "salvation". rather than it meaning "to become saved from our sins", perhaps a better way to define it would be to say "it's accepting the mission of Jesus Christ". what is this mission? to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

now, why am i no longer a christian? i think that's apparent. i don't want the label of what we define a christian as nowadays. i'd much rather be a radical Jesus loving, broken soul, and people loving guy who wants other people to find the joy he's discovered in the love of Christ.