taking the supporting role

i have to confess something else. i at one point was very active in sports. soccer, i was as bad as it gets. football, i could hold my own. baseball however was my true love. my first two seasons were pretty shaky, then again at age 10 and 11 who is very good and coordinated? however, by age 12 i was pretty decent. i hardly sat on the bench and had the oh so nice spot of batting 6 out of 11 (Little League rules in this league said that everyone batted). i was always good for a clutch hit and was an above average fielder.

by the time i was 13 and in 7th grade, i was the man. i had the best stats for a 13 year old on my team and held a decent batting average of .312 while playing every inning that year as first basemen. you would think i would be a lock to make the all-star team at the end of the season. however, you would be wrong. i lived in a small town at the time and did not grow up in that town. let me explain....small towns in alabama, you are more or less important depending on who your daddy is in the community (i'm not bitter, just stating fact). since i was a newbie in town, i had no one pulling for me. despite having a better season than any other 13 year old on my team, i was shut out. two kids who had grown up in the town and were friends of the all star coach's son made the team instead of me. i remember being devastated and becoming very bitter that year. i had worked so hard, improved, done my best, and thought i deserved this reward to represent my team.

fast forward a year later. i'm no longer living in alabama and am living in connecticut. the talent level is a bit higher and it showed. i played well but there were several people that were much better than me. that year i did not deserve it. that year i figured out my role was as an encourager. i would shout from the dugout at my teammates at bat, i would high-five if they get a hit, or give them a "you'll get 'em next time" if they got out. it wasn't the most glorious role but no one else on my team was doing it, so i decided that would be my job.

the next year, i had the game of all games. we were running neck and neck with the other team in the late innings. we're losing by one run going into the last inning and miraculously i get on base with one out. i'm able to steal second and move into scoring position. the hitter hits a long pop fly, i tag up and when the catch is made am barely able to slide into third for another base. with two outs a very below average hitter was up to bat. the coach said, "if that ball gets by that catcher, you better run like a demon is chasing you because he ain't gonna hit you in." i took his advice to heart and sure enough, a wild pitch. i break off running as fast as i can and slide safely into home plate to score the tying run. we are now off to extra innings and the other team goes two straight scoreless innings. once again i come up to bat. there is a man on third base and i'm up with two outs. i literally am the last hope for our team to tie up this game before yet another extra inning. i work the count to 2-0 and then the miracle became complete. i got the most perfect change up thrown to me and i responded by whacking the cover off the ball. the ball sailed into centerfield well over the fielder's head. i hit the walk-off triple that won the game. this one time, i got to be the hero. my teammates were the ones high-fiving me, not the other way around.

i never quite had a game like that again. i relegated myself to being a great fielder and an average hitter who could be great on occasion. i also realized i was a good encourager and i began to really enjoy my role. instead of trying to be the hero, i became the guy who supported the top players on the team because i was most definitely not as good as they were.

the next year proved to be my last year in organized sports. it wasn't for any particular reason other than i didn't have the opportunity. i was by far the least talented person on this team but i kept it in perspective and was honored i even got on the team. i was a solid fielder all year and could be counted on not to make errors. my hitting was crap though. i couldn't swat flies i was that bad. i had a few moments where i made some spectacular looking hits, but for the most part i was the pop-fly and strike out king. i still kept up my cheering and being the supporting player of the team. then a funny thing happened, all-star time came around and i got to try-out. even though i wasn't the best player, i was given a shot because of my attitude. i never complained, i was levelheaded, and never gave up on a game until the final out was done.

in perhaps the biggest surprise of all time in my life, i actually made the team. it may have been that the try outs were not that big of a deal to some of the players. it may also have been that not too many people showed up for it. there were a lot of reasons why i made the team but for that to be the final team i ever played on, it holds a very special place. it was fun from start to finish. i felt i had been rewarded for all my hard work and i was finally able to let go of the disappointment of coming so close to making an all-star team and never getting it. i wish i could say we won a tournament but that didn't happen. we won our first game and then lost two straight meaning we were done. for me, just the fact that i got to be on that team, made all those years of hard work worth it.

now...if you have been reading my blogs you know that i usually try to connect this to some random part of my walk with christ at the moment. well here it is....

i am not. not I AM. i am not. louie giglio in his book "i am not" specifically talks about how we need to stop trying to run the show that is our lives. apart from christ we can do nothing. he uses language that sparked something within me on the last re-read. we need to start realizing we are not the star of the show. we are only bit players. the supporting actor you could say. when we make christ the center of our lives, we become supporting players in the greatest story ever told. god can do a lot with us playing a supporting role rather than when we try to butt in and say we know better.

lately, i've realized the truth of the verse in john "he must become greater, and i must become less and less." the more i lower myself, the easier life is and the more intimate my relationship with christ becomes. and i don't mean easier in terms of bad things never happen to me. i mean easier in the way i handle life.

in the baseball example, the more i lowered myself, the greater the reward later. for one game, i got to be the hero. the last team i ever played on, i got to be an "all-star". for years and years i played the supporting the role and in my opinion, god rewarded me for being faithful and not quitting even when the talent in the leagues far surpassed mine. i am truly thankful for those two moments and i hope one day to pass those stories along to my kids. there aren't many things in my life i like to take pride in, but those two moments mean so much to me. i'm tearing up even thinking about them right now.

the point of this really long blog? the older i get, the more i realize i need to lower my face to the ground, because i am not...and he is I AM and that it's better to be a supporting player in his big story, rather than trying to be the main star in my story. if we play the supporting role in god's story, he will do extraordinary things with us rather than if we try to be the star.

i am not......famous

who am i...?

so why would i waste time posting on this blog with this really dumb thing we've all seen in a facebook or myspace bulletin? the answer is simple. music is my life. everyday i wake up to music, really loud music. "fuel" by metallica to be exact. there is nothing like being awakened to the monster riff of this song. it wakes you up in a "take on the world" kind of mood, except for days it goes off because i forget to turn it off, then it is unwelcome. while walking to class, i have my ipod on, listening to music. when i am in line in the grocery store i come up with lyrics in my head (strange i know but the best song i feel i've written was conceived while buying toilet paper, a snickers bar, and a 12 pack of dr. pepper). everything in my life somehow ties its way back to music. so without further ado, i turned my itunes onto shuffle and hit play and these 15 songs are what itunes decided to express....

1. hero of the day by metallica
2. when i'm gone by 3 doors down
3. famous one by chris tomlin
4. he is the love by david crowder band
5. glycerine by bush
6. faster by third eye blind
7. mr lewis shoes by maida vale
8. tallahassee song by the twelfth chapter
9. smile by flickerstick
10. cannonball by damian rice
11. all american girl by carrie underwood
12. fell on bad days by rubyhorse
13. marching bands of manhattan by death cab for cutie
14. mfc by pearl jam
15. superman by lazlo bane

what does all this mean? what does the above have to do with my title..."who am i"? simple. i am a very complicated person. there is not one box i am shoved in. these songs all have different genres, expressions, lyrics, and sounds. i'm not just a fan of country, hard rock, indie rock, rap, acoustic junk, or folk. i love it all. i also mention this because too often we judge a book by its cover. we could get in someone's car and see a cd by a band and just make the big assumption this is the only genre of music they like when in reality, they could like all sorts of music.

the same can be side of people in general. we all have different aspects of personality that kick in at different moments. whether it's by putting your itunes on shuffle, or being put in a situation where feelings you never knew existed jumped out. we need to stop putting people inside a box and telling them we won't love them if they don't fit within a certain genre.

jesus loved us and died for us and because of this we don't have to live within a box. we can worship our creator in many different forms and not just one way is the right way. that's the beauty of jesus.....he gave us freedom.

what is love....?

and i don't mean baby don't hurt me. i think haddaway asked a question many of us ask on a daily basis. what is love? what is it about this word that can drive a cowboy crazy or drive a man insane? (a 50 cent peace if you can figure out that reference)

love is something that everyone on this planet craves in one form or another. i know i crave it. there is not a moment on any day where i say to myself, "you know, i don't want to be loved right now. screw it!" sounds asanine doesn't it?

lately i've been reading of a love in the bible that goes futher beyond any love i've ever expressed and i don't just mean the big one that is probably creeping into your minds right now. yes, the cross is the ultimate love expression but another one has caught my eye earlier in that fateful week, it occured on the night before christ's death while he was praying in the garden. it is the night before he is going to be killed and he doesn't just pray for himself, he prayed for us. in john 17:20 jesus prays: "i am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me because of their (the disciples) testimony. my prayer for all of them is that they will be one, just as you and i are one, father--that just as you are in me and i am in you, so they will be in us, and the world will believe you sent me."

these verses break my heart for two very big reasons. the first being that a love like that is unfathomable to me. jesus knew he was about to die, yet he prayed for me and you and everyone else that would ever live on this planet who will believe in him. how unselfish and oh how much does it convict me. when do i ever practice a love such as this? second, jesus prayed we would be one. not separate, but one full body in christ jesus our lord and god our father. i cast glances around the city of tallahassee and i see how un-united the parts of this body are. i've been many other places and i know it's the same way there. why are things this way? why do we compete for people to come to our church when in reality we are all one church? it hurts. things aren't as they should be.

the final question i have and the thing that drives me in my pursuit of the lord's desire for my heart (see my last blog) is how can i help unite the body of christ? i feel called to unite believers and not just in the church i am currently working at, but all believers in this city, then state, then country, then this world. will it happen? probably not. however, i am definitely living this motto from phillipians "i can do anything through christ who strengthens me." if we all come together (and i don't mean in a hippie 70s kind of way) and learn to love each other and everyone else, then we would truly start to become the tangible hands of christ we are called to be.

for me right now......conviction ---> change ---> revolution

what is the revolution? the revolution is a people dwelling in christ loving each other (and everyone else for that matter) and being the tangible hands of love to a broken, hurting world full of people who desperately need the lord and each other. this life was meant to be full of love and joy. why don't you and i start now? who knows, maybe it will catch on...

desire

i've been wrestling with desire lately. not so much "desires" but desire itself. webster defines the word as "to long or hope for; to express a wish to".

this definition begs the question inside of me, "what do i desire?". what do i long for? what do i wish for? for a long time the answer to that question has been rescue. i feel tired, i feel broken, and i feel wasted. i want something to radically alter my behavior and make me feel "happy". i have christ inside of me but yet i haven't lived like he's there. what's missing?

the very idea of desire now comes to me in a different form. i was reading in ephesians 1 and i couldn't get further than the first verse before something made me stop. paul writes: "an apostle of christ jesus by the will of god." i then picked up a commentary and found out that in the bible the phrase "will of god" should really be "the desire of god". that put an entirely new spin on this for me. paul was an apostle by the desire(or hope, the wish) of god. the very idea sunk into me and made me ask this question..."what am i trace, by the desire of god?" that is a very scary question and one that i'm not sure i want to know the answer to. god is infintely bigger than anything and everything. if there is something that he desires of us, would we really want to do it if it meant change and stepping out on a ledge with nothing but faith to fall back on?

i think the scary part is i am asking that question now. just what is his desire for me? the answer is multi-faceted and one that i'm not comepletely privy to just yet. god's timing tends to work like that. there are two things i do know right now he desires for me; (1) to seek after him in all i do, and (2) to keep changing daily. change --> growth --> mind blowing experiences. the rest of the desires he has for me i have a feeling i can't even begin to fathom yet.

so here's a question i have for you. are you ready to ask that question....lord, what do you desire of me?......

the beginning

i do not claim to be rescue for anyone. if you were drowning, i would be the last person you could possibly want saving you. i swim but not all that well, i can't hold my breath very long, and i tend to get very afraid in the ocean. the likelihood of a shark attack is very small but nonetheless i always feel as if i'm the next person in that very small percentage of people that actually gets bitten.

the truth is my life has been one interesting adventure to the next. i've moved more times than i can count and the number of taxing situations i've been in number the amount of pimples i had in high school (that is a very high number, ask my mom about it sometime).

i've always felt i've been searching for rescue. rescue from my tiring schedule, rescue from my past, rescue from my present, and rescue from the melancholiness i sometimes get for no reason. i've tried many forms of rescue. music, art, movies, pain pills, books, and relationships. it was the very definition of insanity. i would try the same things over and over to get a desired result when these attempts never got me anywhere the first time.

rescue was always there, i just wasn't looking where i should have been. i must confess at this point that i grew up in church. my mom was the church organist so i was in church 9 months before i even entered the world officially. i never remember a point where god was not in my life. however, as i got older god didn't resolve. the people i saw in church were political, out for themselves, and not wholly concerned with what i was taught life should revolve around. it wasn't until my senior year of high school when god started to resolve. i remember being in a room with people i barely knew, singing songs i had never heard, and feeling something start to stir in my soul. i remember falling to my knees as the tears poured down my face as i sang i wouldn't forget him, that he was my god and my king, and that i was thankful. almost seven years later i can still remember that moment as if it had happened the night before.

the remedy to pain was, is, and will be here.

i used to think rescue is coming, but that was before all this happened......