desire

i've been wrestling with desire lately. not so much "desires" but desire itself. webster defines the word as "to long or hope for; to express a wish to".

this definition begs the question inside of me, "what do i desire?". what do i long for? what do i wish for? for a long time the answer to that question has been rescue. i feel tired, i feel broken, and i feel wasted. i want something to radically alter my behavior and make me feel "happy". i have christ inside of me but yet i haven't lived like he's there. what's missing?

the very idea of desire now comes to me in a different form. i was reading in ephesians 1 and i couldn't get further than the first verse before something made me stop. paul writes: "an apostle of christ jesus by the will of god." i then picked up a commentary and found out that in the bible the phrase "will of god" should really be "the desire of god". that put an entirely new spin on this for me. paul was an apostle by the desire(or hope, the wish) of god. the very idea sunk into me and made me ask this question..."what am i trace, by the desire of god?" that is a very scary question and one that i'm not sure i want to know the answer to. god is infintely bigger than anything and everything. if there is something that he desires of us, would we really want to do it if it meant change and stepping out on a ledge with nothing but faith to fall back on?

i think the scary part is i am asking that question now. just what is his desire for me? the answer is multi-faceted and one that i'm not comepletely privy to just yet. god's timing tends to work like that. there are two things i do know right now he desires for me; (1) to seek after him in all i do, and (2) to keep changing daily. change --> growth --> mind blowing experiences. the rest of the desires he has for me i have a feeling i can't even begin to fathom yet.

so here's a question i have for you. are you ready to ask that question....lord, what do you desire of me?......