so in the midst of my un-employment post-college period i haven't done so much. i sleep a lot, a eat more, and i read more. of these three things i would say sleep has been my favorite with reading coming a close second. i've finally gotten around to some books i've wanted to read but didn't have the mind energy for while i was in school. now, that they are done and i don't want to spend anymore money until i get a job i decided to retreat back to the safety of my bookshelf. for some reason "blue like jazz" was calling me for another look. i've read the book several times and every time i feel convicted about something else. one passage in the book particularly hit me....
he started talking about marriage and how scared he was of it and not just that but a close intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. lately i've been thinking about things that are such as well. donald miller wrote in the book that he was insecure. i think i figured out what my deal is by reading his.
i am insecure when it comes to who i am. not in a i don't know what to do sort of a way, it's the fear of rejection. i've been burned by a lot of people in the past who said they were my friends. i've had hard times with my family where i've felt outright rejected to a point. so it's almost a defense mechanism for me to build up a wall around myself. only one brick at a time does anyone actually get to see in. i do this because i'm afraid of someone were to really get to know me, they wouldn't like me. this is such a dangerous thing because i feel i will miss out on so many awesome, joyful things in life if i keep doing this. the scariest part is i'm allowing what other people think of me to determine my self worth. rather than letting myself be secure in that God made me who i am, i let others decisions about me effect how i feel about me. i shouldn't do that anymore. it's time to just be secure in my own self worth. until that happens, i'm probably not going to attract a female.
just an observation...does anyone else deal with this?......
Sermon: "Go and Make Disciples"
12 years ago
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1 comment:
indeed. I totally feel where you're coming from. I often share those same thoughts when put into a new environment. ha, actually i've been that way a lot the pass few months as my social structure has been turned upside down.
by the way, Blue Like Jazz is one of those books that is full of thoughts hidden between other thoughts. it's good stuff.
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